WARNING: Across the Aisle features a generous helping of exploratory writing, gratuitous pop culture abuse, and complimentary Funyons. This is Hive Mind 101. That glorious moment when Wonder Twin powers activate. Jay Connor + Alex Hardy = the triumphant return of Voltron. These ain’t no studio tricks, and such brilliance is solely intended for mature reading audiences. Enjoy.
Jay Connor: In
the laundry list of certainties (Post-penetration emotional attachment, Jaden
Smith being Jaden Smith, misguided lace fronts),
success isn’t always one of them. Ask Justin. Ask will.i.am. Ask J. Lo’s falsetto. So when Forbes fate plucked Iggy Azalea from a
jar of Vegemite the brink of obscurity and chose Black Music Month to fling
her to the top of the Billboard charts, surprise would be a bit of an
understatement (though if you doubled down on Disgust you made out nicely as
well). The American Dream had been disemboweled by an ashy Australian armed
with a pair of grossly exaggerated cakes and a Southern drawl
that comes
and goes with her menstrual cycle. But fret not. Since some Black guy co-signed on her Cultural
Appropriation Loan, much like Ursh and his pet pink toe, all is well in the
world. So with that said, I would like to congratulate Iggy for prevailing as
the lesser of two evils and making Billboard’s resident equestrian an afterthought. From
koalas to Cazals, make the most of your foray into Steve Stoute’s wet dreams.
Alex Hardy: I
pride myself on successfully avoiding all most things Iggy Azalea since
she arrived on the scene as T.I.’s new affirmative action signee with a work
visa. There was a moment when I was unsure whether or not Iggy and Azealia
Banks were the same person. This was before I had ever laid eyes on either of
them. What was certain, though, is that I didn’t care about either one.
After seeing The Gays praising her wardrobe, ponytail, and bootymeat, I sampled
a few of her musical offerings. First word that came to mind: naptime. The
on/off Southern drawl a la Heartbreak Drake. The
“twerking.” Watching White people debate who was the better twerker
between she and Miley. Yep. Naptime. It’s this same Black championing of
lackluster Black-aspirant Whiteness that makes that ho ass Bieber FuckBoy
relevant in 2014. Yawn.
JC: Life
was so much easier before these culture exchange students got work visas. Now
the time/space continuum is irreparably harmed and Skynet will vanquish the planet in no time. Thanks Russell! But as Oliver Wang so eloquently stated, we are witnessing a
historic precedent in this latest episode of ethnic interpolation. So much so
that even Kendall’s cornrows want a word with her. Set
her music and eerie World of Warcraft resemblance aside and we’re nose to nose
with privilege incarnate. How else do you explain an Australian immigrant
creating a lucrative business venture out of parodying the cast of Real
Housewives of Atlanta? Eminem, who’s actually talented, has no problem
admitting that “if he was Black he would’ve sold half”, so I don’t
think it requires much of a stretch to apply the same rules here. If a We the People petition receives one hundred
thousand autographs within thirty days, President Obama’s minions will dignify
it with an official response. Which pretty much explains how Ru Paul’s
understudy sucker punched the odds and ballooned into a household name. Her
pigment parking pass is validated as long as she runs outside every two hours
and feeds A$AP Rocky or T.I. some quarters.
AH: I believe that Groupon Trina from Down Under is benefiting
from a few different boosts. She’s twenty-four and receives just as much
attention for her body as she does for her music. Iggy aligned herself with
Clifford Harris and all the right hippity hop dudes. Her fans are buying her
performance of cotton candy-coated street friendly Blackness and her
seasonal Blackcent. She still gives that “fresh-faced,
hot, cool, fun White girl” thing. Her pop appeal means an Ariana Grande
collaboration makes sense, which means she’s got the Bieber demographic on
lock. As for hip hop fans? Surely being ushered into VIP and declared The White
Girl for T.I.’s Grand Hustle has given her a few bonus points as well.
JC: Maybe I’ve been listening to one too many Dame Dash diatribes as of late, but my humble
opinion and I have surmised that the origin of this farce is twofold. With our
brighter brethren constituting an overwhelming majority of rap’s record sales
and revenues (Russell Simmons set the percentage at roughly sixty), Black music
is as lucrative as it is inclusive at this stage of its development. So when
you have the Jimmy Iovines, Joie Mandas and Lyor Cohens of the world
puppeteering from behind the curtains and catering to a demographic that they
themselves are a part of, at whose expense does the entertainment and
“authenticity” come from? If we’re willingly manufacturing our culture and
selling stock in our very existence, it was only inevitable that the
Craplemores, Riff Raffs, and Australian albinos bubbled to the surface. So although
her bootleg, VHS copy of Blackness is most deserving of a torrential downpour
of side eyes and penalty flags, doesn’t she have just as much right as her
pigmented counterparts to partake in the treasure trove of misogyny that is the
rap industry? And additionally (I did say twofold after all), were we
not collectively responsible for checking her bullshit at the door?
AH: As much as it pains me to admit it: you’re right. Just like Tiger swept
golf, the Williams sisters swept tennis, The Blacks swept the NFL and NBA, and
Audra McDonald has just made history on Broadway, many avenues of entertainment
and competition have seen a surge in swirling as of late. Hip hop has been slipped
a molly integrated. Times have changed. Black people don’t have the exclusive
on singing cocaine carols and and making moral abandonment sound sexy over a
trap music beat. So, I suppose if the White journalist-proclaimed Harriet
Tubman of melanin-free rap chicks wants to play dress up and spin fairy tales
while failing to convince me that she and Ke$ha are not sharing the same set of
vocal chords, then that’s her motherfucking right. I don’t have to like it,
though.
JC: Who are you telling?
I
do not like her in a house.
I
do not like her with a mouse.
I
do not like her here or there.
I
do not like her anywhere.
That
Seuss person was onto
something.
AH: I know the answer already, but humor me: Will anyone care about Iggy
Azalea in five years?

AH: It warms my heart to know that, even if some of us betray our good
sense and support R. Kelly in 2014, there’s a contingency who gets it and draws
the line at Aussie pop tarts with the borrowed twang of a video game villain
named Super Wigger. I know that achieving mainstream success entails a good
amount of posturing and posing, but I doubt that her schtick is sustainable.
Kreayshawn came, assaulted us with Jaundice
Jams (and bedbugs), imploded and vanished after that initial
curiosity failed to translate into sales. If Almighty Redbone Jesus is real, he
has the power to take Iggy, Riff Raff, and the Blacks who embarrass their
ancestors on reality television right on out of this world with one measly
sonic boom. That, or direct message them all straight to hell. There’s still time.
JC: I just hope Phonte and Nicolay do the right thing and own their role in this mess, cuz you can only
talk subwoofers out of suicide so many times. And with her bullshit blaring
through speakers on a daily basis, I can’t blame them for trying to hurl
themselves into a jacuzzi either. In other news, Guantanamo Bay would be a great tour stop. Her people might want to ignore
the Geneva Convention and look into that.
AH: The reality of this shituation is that it's a bit early to write the
obituary on Madame Azalea's career. Profound lyricism and believability are not
mandatory components in the pop stardom equation, so perhaps her drag queen act
will keep her flying above the haters and melinated lady rappers for the
foreseeable future. What is clear is that behind every White rapper's sleigh
ride through Blackness is a Black friend profiting from that new limelight and
brightening fanbase. Can we fault T.I. for cashing in on her lucrative musical
blackface?
Follow me on Twitter: @chrisalexander_
LIKE
me on Facebook: Colored Boy
__________________________________________
A million thanks to my partner in crime:
A million thanks to my partner in crime:
Jay Connor is a prized pupil of the esteemed Professor Xavier and a Los Angeles based freelance writer. When he’s not preoccupied with accruing overdraft fees while chasing the dream, he can be found disseminating terrorist threats on Twitter and Facebook. Direct all business inquiries, sexual innuendo and Nigerian email scams to deathtoadverbs@gmail.com.
I appreciate this post.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I don't think she's going anywhere any time soon. I'm still waiting for Gaga and Miley to take a hike, but they are still going strong. But I'm glad I'm not alone in my distaste of this whole episode.
ReplyDeleteShe is not going anywhere anytime soon she white and america loves that anyone stealing black culture and playing it, my biggest quam is that whether you like nicki minaj or not she actually has talent for sure more than iggy, yet for the past few years blacks have criticized her to the fullest and now this is what you get iggy who will be even more successful than nicki but all of those people who were critical of nicki are silent about iggy. SO thank you for this article. Support black musicians even if you dont love it. Every other race supports their superstars we are the only race that picks at our, this is why we are at the bottom of the totem pole. TI signing iggy is for money, and just because one black man approves something doesn't mean it's acceptable or worthy.
ReplyDeleteI really hate this chick. I used to be a TI fan but yeah not anymore. This trash is a slap in the face to all talented BLACK female emcees. Her music is horrible fake accent fake butt, just plain wack. I don't care for Nicki Minaj either but at least she's an actual artist that writes her own shit. Nicki should give this trash a lyrical ass whooping.
ReplyDeleteGreat work! I enjoyed reading it
ReplyDelete