Friday, May 16, 2014

16 times Janet was better than you. #HappyBerfday








(Extreme Fandom Ahead.)

Today is a very important day. No, Lauryn, Whoopi, Jennifer Love-Hewitt and that boy from City High haven't joined forces to reenact scenes from Sister Act 2 on The View. Today, saints and ain'ts, we celebrate 48 years of Saint Damita Jo Jackson being better than you and prettier than your mother.

On this day in 1966, after nine months of marinating in a platinum crockpot in Katherine Jackson's mythical treasure cove, Janet Damita Jo Jackson, The Alpha and the Omega, The Rooter and The Tooter, She who did China Love, bodyrolled into the world as a smoke machine and sounding gongs announced her arrival. Doves cried and nappy napes genuflected, submitting to the luscious caress of black gel and Janet's love. Nothing was the same.

From the beginning, it was clear that Damita Jo was different. She filled ice trays better than everyone. She married younger than everyone. She danced before she walked. She shucked peas better than anyone ever to ever Black in Gary, Indiana. Legend has it that little Black girls who encountered her were made to bow at her feet as penance for having lesser, less vibrant afro puffs atop their head. Makes complete sense to me.

And so here today, NonJanets, we shall crack open our Sister 2 Sister magazines and reflect on the glory of Her Royal Blackness Saint Janet Damita Jo Jackson-DeBarge-Elizondo-(No, not you, Jermaine.)-al Mana and 16 (of the 94 billion) times she was better than you.

(I still think she and Q-Tip should have been a thing.)

In no particular order...

16. When she did "The Knowledge."
Because fuck anything Madonna was even thinking about doing before or after this.



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15. When she should have married Omar Lopez.


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14. When she danced down these steps and on top of your feelings, singing not one actual note.


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13. When she wore the entire fuck out of this white dress.


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12. When she looked better than you've ever looked in your life.


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11. When she out-danced you with leather fringes AND you didn't understand a word she sang.



11a. When she showed out on SNL.

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10. When she said, "Yes. JAL."


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09. When she read you and you had an aneurism.

08. When she wore the same outfit for about two dozen performances of this song and thought nobody would notice, but you still woke up each day in 2004 as NonJanet, and it hurt.




07. When she did this and helped you realize that you were bisexual.


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06. When she murked every piece of this choreography while giving you Edward Scissorhands Realness and you jerked off to it.


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05. When she declared herself the Wide-Leg Pants Don Diva Empress Czar and honey rained from the sky.


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04. When she out-danced everyone in a 50-mile radius, including the choreographer, wearing 13 outfits at once.


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03. When she did this with nary a microphone in sight.


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02. When she gave one of her best performances and nobody noticed that part.




01. When she was finer and did the butterfly better than you.


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Happy Birthday, Perfect Patty.

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