Dear John Legend,

 Dear John Legend,

Hey girl.

I know you've fashioned yourself to be some sort of genre-wandering soul singer, fooling women with rusty gaydars from Philly to Barcelona. That's fantastic. I applaud your ambition. Really, I do. That you offer a testosterone-lite alternative to the lesbianic wailings of Adultress Keys does not go unnoticed. Your love for sparse, piano-backed production certainly provides you a lane in which you are free to roam without the worries of choreography, sex appeal, and vocal training. Cheers to you, little man.

Whether you are aware or not, society generally appreciates your offerings to the musical landscape. One piano-humping songstress is enough, so thanks for knowing your limits.

Your latest release, Wake Up: John Legend and the Roots, your joint venture with Questo and Co. should have been a fool-proof affair. Eliminating songwriting from the equation to revisit soul classics should have been a hip-switching walk in the park, right? In theory, yes. Execution is an entirely different situation. (Original song fail: "Shine", performed on Leno, HERE)

I'll just come out and say it: You, little man, have gotten beside yourself. Somewhere along the way, one of your breasted arm accessories has gassed up the space beneath your mini-fro and lead you to believe you were a formidable, real vocalist. If you want to beat on keys and bless crowds with your throaty, oldmanconstipationvoice and churn out self-written tunes for the ladies, go for it. Skip to your motherfucking loo, darling, and knock yourself out.

Hell, continue down the path left by Alexander Adultress Keys' manfeet and give us white-woman-world-pop if it makes your ovaries tingle.

What you should never attempt, little man, is to even liken yourself to legends like, oh, say...Mr. Donny Edward Hathway.

After his pear-clutching rendition of "Earth Song", one thing is clear: you and Usher have been getting lifted in the powder room. Again.

We know the Roots can generally do no wrong. Any band that can support Jill Scott's king-sized voice and ego must be talented. But you don't have that problem. Your issue: someone has it out for you.

Someone wants you to fail. Obviously. To suggest that you can do more than cast your Maybelline-rimmed eyes upon a Hathaway record--inside its sleeve--is an insult to the music community, me, and gayfaced entertainers worldwide.

That nobody hit you with a flying leg drop while you recorded "Little Ghetto Boy" is further proof of a conspiracy. Hearing it today, I was tempted to consult Google for a direct line to Homeland Security. Fuck Osama, Obama needs to be on the lookout for shit like this.

The Original:

The Offense:

Heaux. Please.

The spirit of Wyclef's epic slave cry lives on through you.

Donny Hathaway: legend.

you: second-rate diva who can't sustain

Please realize that your range can fit inside your favorite tube of L'Oreal.

You've got some nerve, little man. My suggestions:

1. Cut the hormone dosage in half.
2. Treat yourself to a Brazillian wax.
3. Sit the fuck down.

I need a zebra cake to calm my damn nerves. If I had Nene "Nethaniel" Leakes' beeper number, I would call him up to come stomp on your head.
Judgmentally Yours,


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  1. I hate you for this: "...with your throaty, oldmanconstipationvoice..."

    Leave Johnny boy alone, got dammit!

  2. Of course, I am biased, but...WHAT THE HELL did they do to the song?! Awww man...Imma have to go break out the Donny CD I just bought to get over this mess.

  3. I love John Legend, and don't think his version was the worst part of the song. I think The Roots part was the worst part of the song. YeahISaidIt! But um, that last line about NeNe (Nehtaniel) had me crackin up!

    Also, if this was how all music reviews were written, I might actually read some.

  4. Right! @ Tasha That's what threw me all off in the beginning.

  5. New blog fan here. I thought I was the only one in the world who thinks John Legend sucks rocks. Well played coloredboy, well played.

  6. This post is out of place. If you are saying he's pretentious for singing this song, then you are not right. Artists have been doing this for ages. And 90% of the time the remake is not even close to being as good as the original. If you say this remake sucks, in it and by itself, then that is over the top. If you are saying this song rocks, then you are over the top as well. This song is just alright, but it doesn't suck.

  7. john raleighJanuary 27, 2014

    I just heard this one to be doing intro to Good Morning America what the fuck makes him think that he is a singer I have more talent and I don't even sing , hurt my fucking ears to listen to this guy

  8. Is it fair that you compared an over-produced remake to live version of the original? I mean: shouldn't you haven given lame Johnny some sort of advantage to be able to have a fighting chance?!?

    I suppose that's how it goes - anyone who names themselves 'Legend' ain't nothing but a legendary fake any way.

  9. forgot about zebra cakes, forget the hate an let's split some zebra cakes cuz

  10. I don't care how good anyone is (for the record I can't stand the dudes whored out emotion anthems), anyone who has the arrogance to change their last name to "legend" showcases a truly nauseating degree of self absorbed self glorifying pretention, I knew it wasn't his real name I had to look it verify my uncanny suspicion


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