Sunday, May 30, 2010

ChrisAlexander's Guide To Eating Out, Part Two

(Band plays opening to "I Got Your Money" by Old Dirty Bastard)

Good evening you beautiful people out there. How's it going? Amazing, yes?

That's what I figured. Mmhmm. I want to welcome you back for the long-overdue, overwhelmingly-anticipated, undoubtedly useful and universally-applicable second edition of Professor ChrisAlexander's Guide to Eating Out, better know as...

(audience joins in)

HOW YOUR MONKEY ASS SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT BEHAVE THE NEXT TIME YOU MOONWALK THAT ASS INTO ANYBODY'S DINING ESTABLISHMENT!!

(cheers)

(with fervor) Yes, yes!

If you haven't had the blessing of participating in the first episode, please refer back to it and enrich your life today.

Go ahead. Click HERE. I'll look the other way.


ChrisAlexander's Guide to Eating Out (in a restaurant, not a vagina) is about deprogramming that McWretched mind of yours and sucking out all those tacky, rude habits your wonderful family of...er, winners has instilled in you. The way you and your glorious clan carry on in Ida Mae's Abortion Pitstop and Slop Shack may in fact NOT exactly be acceptable beyond the dirt roads of Murfreesboro, NC.
Now, this also could mean that Uncle Bobo's Annual Hands-Free Rib Suckin' Contest is no longer okay (in public)...

(audience: "AWWWWWWWWW....")

But fear not! Remember, ChrisAlexander is your friend and only wants to see you succeed in life. I want you to represent yourself, your race (you know who you are), and your family in the most positive way.

Now give yourself a hug.

Didn't that feel super?

I know it did. I hug my...um...self at least twice a day!

Now. For those of you that have been following along, let's review.

(house lights go down. spotlight focuses on the Professor)

Question: Is it appropriate to seat yourself in a non-fast food establishment?

NO. KEEP YOUR ASS STILL WITH YOUR HANDS AT YOUR SIDE, LOOK AT THE FLOOR AND WAIT UNTIL SOMEONE GREETS AND SEATS YOUR MONKEY ASS.

How'd you do?

Okay.

Next question: If I'm really hungry or in a rush, can I wave my menu in the air or snap to get a waiter's attention??

If you said:

NO. SIT CALMLY. STAY IN YOUR DAMN SEAT AND LOOK AT THE DAMN MENU, 

you'd be correct.

Conversely, would it be suitable for a waitress to wave the check and signal towards the door when you've worn your welcome the hell out?

Aha. Trick question: depends on the situation.

A) If you're tipping less than the tax...yes, it's certainly time for you to raise up and get the hell out. Be lucky they don't have you wash a dish or two. Bitch.

B) If you're tipping generously....yes. Your patronage is appreciated, but you don't own the table. Pay and peace out.

Alright. We ended last time on dealing with waiters and waitresses. You should feel comfortable communicating with restaurant staff and requesting a table. Let's move on to the next chapter.

Chapter Three: "Do you serve rice?"
It's worth mentioning that I was tempted to title this section "What Would Mama Do?". However...given the way some of you turned out, it's apparent Mama has the grace of a three-legged water buffalo in heat and the class of a BET executive (read: none). So I declined. Whatever the title, the moral of the story is

THINK, JACKASS.

So, you've made it to the table, you're looking over the menu, and it's time to order. You may have some questions for your amazing waiter and that's fine. I know by now you have all types of crazy things cooking up in that simple mind of yours but, please:

RESIST THE URGE TO LET YOUR INNER ASSHOLE SHINE THROUGH.

Let me remind you that, no matter how big your waiter smiles at you, he/she doesn't really give two farts whether you enjoy your dining experience. In the case of New York waiters, he or she is probably killing time between acting gigs or "model calls" (insert disbelief) and just needs some change to support his or her magnificent coke habit.

Translation: Keep it cute.

With all of that said, try to find some common sense on that walk from the front door to your table and hooooold onto it until you exit the premises...or at least until your food is safely on the table.

In short: Be mindful of where you're dining. If in a BBQ joint, don't ask for chopsticks. Don't ask for rice in a pizza joint (I've seen it happen). And kill all desires to split the check at Good Fortune Buffet and Nail Emporium...because you know they don't play those poor people games.

(applause)

Now, I don't want to overwhelm you. So we'll stop here for today. Professor ChrisAlexander just wanted to give you a few tidbits on this Memorial Day Weekend. I know there's loads of conflicting thoughts and emotions happening inside you right now. To stay true to your "spam & gov'ment cheese casserole" roots or take a chance to better yourself? Decisions, decisions! Here's a general rule of thumb to hold you over until our next lesson:

If you have to preface something with, "This may be a stupid question, but...",  
(1) YES, it is. 
(2) Don't ask the question...but if you MUST, then
(3) Don't be offended when you receive a stupid answer.

And there you have it, kids. You're progressing nicely. In no time, you'll be an expert at concealing your inner jerk while dining out, since you now know

(audience joins in)

HOW YOUR MONKEY ASS SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT BEHAVE THE NEXT TIME YOU MOONWALK THAT ASS INTO ANYBODY'S DINING ESTABLISHMENT!!
 (cheers)

In short, friends, don't be a douche. Pretty easy, yes? I thought so.

Alright, go forth and put this lesson into action! Eat! Interact! Tip well! 


Be sure to check back for Chapter Four. Thank you, and goodnight.

(applause. curtains lower.)
~chrisAlexander
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