Wednesday, December 16, 2009

living for you.

the decision to live your life for YOU and to make decisions by and for yourself is monumental. it, more so than many other things i've faced recently, is easier said than done. just when i got semi-comfortable (which should be a sin), life has kicked me in the face yet again. as i've learned, life does not care if i am prepared for the next challenge. that is not the way of the universe. problems WILL come, whether i am ready or not. another move. the end of another bad situation. all these things are an indicator of a bigger issue that needs to be addressed.

i am faced with a need to look at my reasons for being and remaining in los angeles. the prospect was endearing months ago when i purchased my one-way ticket. now, in the thick of things, i must a) count and appreciate both my blessings and progress and b)decide if i am still here because i TRULY want/need to be, or because i am attempting to prove a point. am i proving a point to some unnamed person/group of people that do not directly affect whether i eat or starve? am i proving a point to those who, beyond some initial voiced concern, really wouldn't care whether i stayed in this city or any other?

i can admit i would feel some type of way going back east without accomplishing even part of what i set out to do. however, my assumed mantra, "it will get better" leads me down an entirely different internal debate on how long i should wait to "get happy." that, of course, leads me to realize that i tend to rely on external factors to dictate my level of success and joy. wrong. wrong. wrong. then: i officially have no business working at MexiMart. none. again: comfortable. it "works" for now. or does it?

it's pretty safe to say i've much to consider. outside of a quick decisions that needs to be made, i have much self-analysis to do. and for once, i need to make an adult decision without consulting a handful of friends. truthfully, the feeling of knowing that what i am doing or about to do is "okay" in the eyes of a loved one is welcoming. at the same time, it has handicapped me. i, an intelligent being, have become reluctant to make major moves without external approval. wrong. wrong. wrong.

*deep sigh*

i'm 25. time to grow up.

-chris.alexander

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