happiness. in nonpenis form.

so, unless you've lived under a rock (or in the Bronx) you're well aware of my undying, put-a-rang-on-it, addict-like LOVE for the hexagonal cream-filled delicacies known as ZEBRA CAKES. *shiver* this no ordinary love--(c) Sade--, but one that shall stand the test of time. this is a great, wonderous, storybook love. kinda the way Usher loves trannydick. *shrug* minus the thatsfuckingdisgusting factor, though.

when i lived in the great city of nueva york, i could obtain these treats on any corner, in any bodega for 25, then 25, then 50 cents, thanks to the anti-zebra cake inflation witches. the point is they were everywhere. then, i get it in my head to move to this LATE, tacky, McWretched ass state of California...and have been unable to find Zebra Cakes anywhere outside of the hood. those awful CHOCOLATE ZEBRA CAKES, however, are as abundant as Mexicunt backfat all up and through here. but that's an entirely different conversation.

anywho, i put out an SOS via twitter, facebook, text and smoke signal that i was in dire need of a fix. months have passed since those sweet, glorious heavenly raindrops have touched my lips.

my prayers have been answered.

my favorite white woman, RAYONA:

was the first (and she BETTER not be the last) to answer the call. homegirl sent me a CASE of HOLIDAY SNACK CAKES, the holiday version of my beloved zebras.

needless to say, this is one happy homo.

what follows is my unique, colored way of showing my appreciation for her.....and that lil perky, ever-smiling, endlessly generous, life-changing, cherubic, freckled GODDESS named


*cue erection*

chris.alexander's ODE TO

prior to enjoying this delicacy, you must give thanks for what you about to receive. show gratitude. say a prayer. kill a baby Mexicunt in Saint Little Debbie's honor, even.

one must realize that Saint Little Debbie is a jealous Saint. she needs to know that she is the apple of your eye, the pimp on your corner, the dealer in your Houston-Brown love affair, the Valtrex to Rihanna's herpes cold sores...and so on. show yourself. bare all. shed your worldly things, such as clothes, gold fronts and weaves, and come to her as God made you....

be gentle when preparing to indulge in this treat. it is hard-earned and to be cherished and savored. Little Debbie is powerful, but sensitive. use lube before fucking it up....

especially during the holiday season, be sure to be thankful and knowledgeable of the AWESOMENESS of the Cakes of Zebra (and all seasonal variations). ENJOY them!

...upon consumption, DIG THE FUCK IN.

...and if you're feeling charitable, share your gifts with others.

...and take them back when Saint Little Debbie looks the other way.


~chris.alexander (who just so happen to have a birthday on 12/10 so if you want to be generous and God-like you, too, can send ZEBRA CAKES or ikea gift cards because either will suffice but if not that's totally fine, just know that i may be a tad less hesitant to let you cut in line @ the pearly gates on judgment day, you stingy cunt.)

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  1. So glad you got them, so glad you can enjoy them, but please...not another 1/2 box in 2 hours, mmkay? I would hate to be Black Peter Griffin on that day and need to pee. Im just sayin.

    oh yeah...

    WHY I GOTTA BE WHITE? DONT BLAME ME FOR WHAT MY MOMMA DID! Don't you see all that curl up in there? That extra extra wavy ya cousin sista babymomma auntie bought up in the hair store aint got nothin on me! IJS!

  2. oh yeah.

    go put some clothes on...the gay crackheads that peek thru my window at night are scratching at the screen, and you know I got kids! I can't have all these festivities going on because you got a lil excited! CUT IT OUT!

  3. Is there crack in those damn things?? Crack snacks!! Damn, yo' ass is happy as hell!! Well, dammit...I'm happy for ya!

    I'd better scrape of some coins and/or food stamps & send your ass some more cuz I'm quite sure you've gone through half that shipment already.

  4. .......this first box won't make it thru the night. UGH!

  5. enjoy!! thanks for the zebra cake/little debbie photo shoot lol

  6. First off, I must pimp slap you for this line: "... this LATE, tacky, McWretched ass state of California"

    Secondly, that photo shoot is gonna get me fired!

    This is hilarious.


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