Dear OJ (repost)

and hello.
i was browsing old postings on my myspace blog and came across this piece from years ago. twas in the midst of OJ Simpson’s armed robbery/hostage-situation/sports memorabilia drama. this is one of my favorite blogs ever. got great response and….it actually made ME laugh. ole!

Dear Orenthal J. Simpson,
I write humbly today in hopes of sharing some obviously lacking wisdom with you. I want to get to the bottom of this situation you’ve been presented with. You have been the topic of every talk show, newscast, and gossip blog today. So, there isn’t much to be said that you haven’t heard already. But I will state my piece. 

I don’t need to make this too long. All that matters is….

Either by the grace of God or collective stupidity, you were acquitted 11 years ago. Black America exhaled. KKK membership tripled. But you can rest assured that they (“they” being white America) will do their BEST to either deep fry your serial killing, fat-faced ass or bury your bragging black ass as close to the center of the earth beneath the prison as possible. 

I feel like my first reaction (as a negro) should be stating that your actions have disgraced the race. Let me be the first to tell you: that is NOT the case. You, sir, have proven that YOU are one of the dumbest negroids to drag your ape ass across this earth. You bear no reflection on the rest of us. I assumed that the small portion of your brain not fried by coke and ‘roids during your former days as a baller would inform you that all they needed was a reason to go after your black ass. You, sir, have given them the reason, the videotape, the audio recording, the eyewitness accounts, the fingerprints, and a confession from your own ape ass mouth…all BEFORE your day in court. Fucking genius!

The average person who overcame such unfavorable odds to dupe the chain of fools (otherwise known as “the jury”) would learn their lesson, enjoy their undeserved freedom and avoid the tabloids. But not Mr. Cool Daddy Orenthal, The White Girl Slayer. How greedy can you be?!? Was your tarnished legacy not enough? Was the fact that you pissed off the majority of the population and instantly became the most hated Black man in America all in a day’s work for you? Did Johnny Cockring secretly orchestrate that circus just to propel his career since yours had disappeared with your hairline? The world will never know. 

Then, you published If I Did It, a “confession,” which you pass of as a fictional account of how you would have butchered those poor, white folks if you were the murderer. Black America hung its collective head in shame. Somewhere in America, How to Kill a Moronic, Washed-Up, Shit-Brained Former Football Star for Dummies was submitted for publication. The joke is over. 

We’re all adults here, right? Question, brother: Are you suicidal? Does the idea of being lynched by a mob of white people get your dick hard? Do death threats turn you on? Help me help you, you damn grinning fool...

I guess none of us (who are alive today) can know what in the fuck went through that coked out brain of yours as you sliced and diced Nicole and Ron. Everybody who could have seen it is buried six feet under. I also don’t pretend to know what motivated you to arrange a gang of fucking merry men, barge into a hotel room, and attempt to “steal back your shit.” Let’s not forget that the “shit” you attempted to steal back was your own, devalued, rusty, dusty, memorabilia from your extinct career. Decades in jail as some dude’s dickwarmer for some tired ass OJ Simpson cleats and posters? Really? All I know is: they finally got your black ass. 

Johnny Cockring aka Captain Save-a-Ho is dead. He’s not rotting in the living room like James Brown; he’s in the damn ground. Johnny is dead as hell. Like, forreal. And he can’t fly into the courtroom and whisk your guilty ass away to freedom like before. Based solely on what you’ve said from your own guilty mouth, I’d put your guilty ass away for being a threat to your own damn guilty self. You’ll be lucky if you only get two life sentences. What you can bet, my judgementally-challenged friend, is that once the trial is over YOU will never taste that sweet, mind-impairing nectar you just can’t seem to resist: white woman vagina. And that is probably for the best.

Sir I pray that nowhere during your short trial does that ugly, overused, tired ass race card make an appearance. Not for your sake. I say this because I want to believe that us colored folk aren’t dumb enough to rally behind a guilty fuck simply because his great great great grandparents got their asses beat on a plantation centuries ago. Daddy Slickback Sharpton and Pieface Jackson have no reason to involve themselves in the events of your court proceedings. There are starving children to ignore and dirty rap lyrics from other famous retards to monitor and it’s hard to do that while supporting guilty people in court. 

In a perfect world you’d have the decency to leave those hardworking Black Race Representatives to their other, more important work. Hell, in a perfect world, you wouldn’t exist, but that’s another letter altogether…

What would America be without the occasional public misstep? We Americans find pleasure in the publicized misfortune of others. Or maybe that’s just me. Busted condoms like you keep tabloids and gossip mongers in business. Your children must be proud. I suppose that everything beyond your book’s title is irrelevant. Whether you did it or not, you’re finished. They just scored the winning point: a field goal right in that guilty black ass. 

Game over n*gga.


Your concerned friend,

Alex H.

P.S. If you bump into R. Kelly, tell him he’s next. 

(original post)
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