Fat Kid's Prayer

Dear God,

I've been seeing a lot of my inner fat Asian toddler as of late. He has made his presence known in the most bizarre ways. As you know, God, he has been creating cravings lately. And not normal cravings, but pesky, Usher-esque "me want mansex" cravings. I looked back at old pictures from before you helped me lose a great deal of Dr. Pepper and Chinese food weight, and was mortified.

(me, last spring)


So, gracious Savior I come to you with this prayer:


If I somehow manage to gain more than ten pounds of nonmuscle mass (read:fat) please, strike me down with the exact same force and severity used to prevent LaToya Jackson and Lil Mama from accomplishing anything other successfully failing in life.