Wednesday, April 1, 2009

crazy people. on the train. (badabing!)

So. I promised myself that i'd never leave the house again without my camera on hand. i've been pretty god about it for the most part. BUT, the two times i left that sucker at home, i ran into CRAZY people on the trains that DEMANDED to be documented. I'll post my first meeting with Nutcase Sally at a later date.

now, tonight was a LONG night at work, but it was damn worth it ($$$), and all i could think about as my table of shitbags drank and enjoyed the projection screen was how amazing tonight's sleep will be. eventually, i left work with my millions, and boarded the 4 train in the front, as usual. first car, always.

as i boarded, i notice everyone smiling, some laughing, and immediately see the reason why: a LOUD colored woman (with a FOOLISH ponytail) was chatting with the guy next to her about all the wonderful goodies in the gift bag she received at work ("OOH! i didn't know there was makeup in here!")

since every passenger was fixated on this broad and the unfortunate man next to her, I figured i was about to witness something magical. then: i silently called myself all types of names upon realizing my camera was here at home, plugged into this punk ass laptop. ugh, i suck at life sometimes.

in the course of her product demonstration, she came across an eye cream that she deemed great for this guy.

"here, can i put some on your eyes?"

he objects.

"lemme put some on you! you end a little lift, shut up! everybody needs a little lift, dahling!"

he objects. "my skin's fine."

then: "you got bags. shut the fuck up."

the train erupts in laughter. he eventually gives in.

"you cannot have one eye lifted and not the other!"

guy: "NOT TOO MUCH!"

the train rolls along. she tries on lipstick ("it's not my color, but i like it! it's creamy.") with plans to "kiss this pretty black boy right here." eventually, she kisses him. we cheer.

in the midst of all THIS craziness, a homeless dude keeps chiming in with "BADABING!"

she stops him, "uno momento, yo no se. Mira coño!" according to her: "uno momento means 'wait a minute'" and "yo no se" means "........fuck you."

i LOVE it!!

then...we cross into brooklyn. and she took her craziness to a WHOLE new level. rather than type it out, i'll let you hear it straight from HER mouth. while i did leave my camera at home, i did manage to get AUDIO from my lovely blackberry. the train was surprisingly quiet, so she comes through loud and fucking clear.

picture a homeless man making beats with his change cup, chanting "oooh. ahhhhh. oooh. ahhhh. oooh. aahhhh....." as a crazy woman harasses a fellow passenger with her rap: "GET YOUR TEETH DONE! GET YOUR TEETH DONE! GET YOUR TEETH DONE!" (his teeth were JACKED though. she wasn't THAT crazy.)

yea. it happened. take a listen, children.

i SWEAR even my imaginative ass couldn't make this up. it's a little long, almost 10 minutes. but you WON'T regret listening. TRUST ME.



personal highlight: at 4:35 -"if you don't get your teeth done, i'mma kick your ass....come on! you're too young for that shit! i dont give a fuck!"


sadly, i didn't get to enjoy suga mama's company for my whole train ride. she got off at Nevins St to go "get in bed with her Japanese husband." okay, fine.

her departure put a damper on our hearts. she made our train ride magical. and her contagious charm made my dick drip. shit yea.

BUT, kids, don't feel too bad. train crazy number two left us a present.

"what could she have left?!?!?!" you ask??

take a WILD guess.






(i'll wait)








done?







okay fine. you're not even CLOSE!

this was her gift to the world:



right. blood on the dancefloor, yall.

happy kwanzaa bitches.

(shakes head)

the train erupts in laughter again. these goddamn west indians and coloreds had a field day with that. don't be surprised if you see a Twitpic from CurriedGoatGal89 tomorrow. oh my damn.

my immediate reaction: I NEED THAT PICTURE.

i passed a biz card to homeboy across from me who had snapped a picture and when i got off the train, the pic was in my inbox. (thanks again, sir!)

THAT..........(dramatic pause).....is February blood. shizzam!

a word to the wise: get your teeth done. and please handle your drippage situation when that special time rolls around. please and thank you.

this has been another magical moment courtesy of chris.alexander. tell a friend.

have a great day.

~colored boy.

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